I would be an excellent mother. I have more than enough love to give a child. My husband deserves to be a father. I live my life as though I was pregnant every day just to make sure that when I do become pregnant, the baby starts off in the perfect environment. And now this?
I just found out I was two months pregnant. How did I find out? I miscarried.
I guess I’m not meant to be a mother. No matter how hard I try, how good I am to my body, how secure we are financially, how in love my husband and I are, I just can’t conceive. And then finally, I conceive and I lose the child.
I just don’t even know what to do with myself right now.
On the baby makin’ front. I haven’t had a period in almost a year now. I FINALLY saw a doctor that LISTENS to me and doesn’t look at me like I have no idea what I’m talking about when it comes to my body. I am REALLY happy I found a doctor that is just freakin’ awesome, but also, really sad about it (I’ll get to why). Anyway, he is having me get some blood tests and have my hip x-rayed, an ultrasound on my baby cooker, and one of those wonderful exams where they put a camera where cameras should never go. So, to sum it up, I am FINALLY making a little bit of progress.
Next, I am SORRY for those of you who have messaged me asking where I have been. I’ve been around, just been SUPER busy.
To the roller coaster part of all this:
A week ago “Baby, I’m going to come visit next weekend!!!!” “Really?! OMG”
Friday “Here’s a car for you and Nathan, a belated wedding gift” “thanks mom!”
Saturday “HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO AFFORD THIS CAR?!?!’
Sunday “babe! I am promoting on Monday! Nothing fancy, but I sew on my stripes and I’ll be an E-3!” “Yay!”
Yesterday “I can’t come home this weekend, they won’t let me request a pass until after I graduate, even though the pass would be for after I graduate”
I am heartbroken.
Today “Babe!! I found out where we are going to be stationed!!” “WHERE?!” “NEW MEXICO!”
So, that about sums it up. It’s been 7 months since Nathan left for BMT. He was SUPPOSED to be home a month ago. But the Air Force decided that it would be funny to change his AFSC (not the job, just the code) which mean that EVERYTHING was delayed. But anyway, now that we know WHERE we are going to be living, we’ll find out soon enough WHEN we will be moving there. When we know when he has to be there, we will know when he can come home! Which brings me to why I am sad I found a great doctor. It’s taken me TWO Years to find a doctor that would listen to me. I FINALLY found one and I can’t take him with me to New Mexico : ( oh well, I suppose I’ll find someone else. But, I’ll know before I move what steps are next for me! so yay!
I will get around to posting some more understandable. I am exhausted and just wanted to get back to those of you who have been messaging me.